The Nickname Game

Mom, I only wear that shirt in Vegas, I swear. And maybe one other time. Or two, I don't know, but only that once, I think. You can feel free to pretend I never wear it ever.

Once upon a time, a 17 year old girl was about to graduate from high school. She had spent her teen years getting good grades, playing sports, being involved in her church, and generally having good, old-fashioned, wholesome fun with her friends. But then, she met a boy. He was 18; their families had known each other back in the day, and they had friends in common. They spent time together with other friends, he attended her high school graduation, and shortly before her 18th birthday, they began dating. A summer romance turned into a long-distance relationship when she went away to college. Instead of fizzling like most LDRs, this one blossomed. The following year they went to school together. Everything was perfect. Time passed, and the girl graduated from college. They continued their relationship and finally got engaged just before she started graduate school in Southern California. After surviving another year long-distance, they were married in a beautiful ceremony in a small church in their home town. Friends and family wished them well and they drove off into the sunset (to the west, of course) and settled into their California life together. Time passes, though, and people grow apart. After several years together, the girl and the boy parted ways.

As she picked up the pieces, again with the help of friends and family, the girl looked around and came to a realization: She was 30, and she had some serious catching up to do! After spending all of her formative years at a sit-down dinner in the same company at the same restaurant, she knew it was her turn to visit the buffet. Although she informed her friends of her intentions, many of them didn’t realize how serious she was about making up for lost time.

The sampling began almost immediately, for as one friend noted, a line was sure to form. And form it did. But this presented a problem for the girl and her friends. While the line was full of interesting courses, she wasn’t ready to pick a favorite meal yet. And if she wasn’t going to order from the menu, there was no point in getting her friends involved in the food fight. They could meet the entree, but these appetizers were just for sampling. No need to linger over any one course, as delicious and interesting as it might appear. But the courses making trips across the girl’s table did provide interesting stories about new and intriguing ingredients, flavor combinations, and creative plating.

Everyone knows that names are difficult to remember unless one can put a face along with it. And even then, it may take some repetition. Nicknames are much easier, as they reference the story rather than an arbitrary proper noun. Hence, gormeh sabzi will forever be “green stuff.” And the boys will generally be known by some other defining characteristic. One that complements their story. While the boys in the stories generally haven’t met the girl’s friends, they can rest assured that they are being immortalized in fabled lore, for friends love nothing more than to be regaled with tales of the escapades their adventurous, single girlfriends are having. And rather than bother with cumbersome names, the girl generally substitutes some sort of nickname, so that the friends will easily be able to recall the stories associated with each boy.

Nicknames are not complicated or fancy, simply descriptive handles given to each course enjoyed by the girl. Some are given by the girl, and some by her friends. They may be based on a physical characteristic: The Tall One, Blondie, Short, Tree Boy. Sometimes it is as simple as where they are from: Texas, Bay Area, The Brazilian. Other nicknames are earned by personality traits or personal history: Shy Guy, Pushy, Fulbright, The Bad Kisser. Still others relate to hobbies or profession: The Surfer, The Grad Student, The Accountant, The Breast Implant Sales Rep.

So boys, now you know: you have been given different nicknames by different girls, and the friends of those girls associate those nicknames with all manner of details about your personality, habits and physical traits. Be careful what you are known for.

BTW, this is my 21st post here, which is fitting, I think, although it points out my shamefully infrequent posting...